Forgiveness

I know it's been awhile since my last posting and more than one of you have gotten after me for that. There is a reason for it. And that is because in the past few weeks, my life has been more about serious matters than the fun and humor usually found on blogs. I have debated within myself whether or not to blog about this because the things that have taken place in my life are very special to me and I was afraid of opening myself up too much to other people. But blogs are really about sharing your life with others and this is what is going on in my life right now...besides, all of you who read my blog are friends and family that I would feel comfortable sharing these things with if I had the opportunity to talk with you one on one. So at the risk that some of you might find this too intense, I'm posting it anyway. This posting is about what is real and what is sacred to me.

H. Burke Petersen is an emeritus general authority. He also happens to be in my ward. He has also been visiting with my ex-husband, Pete, since our divorce in January. I didn't know that they were meeting as often as they were until I found out a couple of weeks ago through my bishop. Brother Petersen asked me if I would meet with him to discuss some things. I was mostly curious and of course obliged. Through this meeting, I discovered that Pete still loved me and had a desire to get me back. But I also found out that he had been on a difficult personal journey through Bro. Petersen's kindness, directness, and inspiration. He had been the one who wanted me to meet with Bro. Petersen. I was overcome with emotion and shock. Bro. Petersen made it clear that he was not trying to put us together again, but wanted me to have the opportunity to forgive Peter. This was exactly what I was needing and I felt my heart changing even as we visited. I had tried to convince myself over the past few months that I had forgiven Pete, but I knew that I hadn't because only anger and resentment flooded my mind whenever I thought about him. So my solution was to simply not think about him or my marriage. In summary, I told Bro. Petersen that I could not possibly get back with Peter, but that I was happy that he was finally able to recognize his part in all of it, gain a softer heart, and perhaps finally find true joy.

Apparently, Pete wanted to meet with me and I told Bro. Petersen that this was possible as long as Pete understood that it didn't mean we could get back together. The ground rules were laid and a meeting was planned. Bro. Petersen told me many times that Pete was nervous about seeing me again because he had very tender feelings towards me. He had discussed with Pete and I separately what the objective of our meeting would be and ultimately it was about burying the hatchet and parting on good terms. This meeting took place last night at Bro. Petersen's home. We took 2 hours to talk about very sensitive things and my heart has finally healed. I know that Pete is still in much anguish about how he treated me and he told me how sorry he was for everything. He took full responsibility for the demise of our marriage and acknowledged how hard I tried. I also apologized for my part in our failed marriage. When we were done, Bro. Petersen said that what we had done was very difficult, but that it was right. I felt this as well and have been immensely humbled at how the Lord cared enough about me at this time to allow this whole experience to happen. I am so grateful for Bro. Petersen. Nobody asked him to befriend Pete and help him change his life. He wasn't asked to step in and be a mediator in a relationship that most people had forgotten about or given up on. And yet, if he hadn't done that, it could have taken me years to get my heart to where it is now. He is truly a man who lives by the Spirit and understands the big picture.

I know that some of you who knew Pete and me during our marriage will doubt Pete's sincerity. All I know is that Pete was as real as I've ever seen him last night and I'm proud of his desire to make things right. He's struggled and continues to struggle with forgiving himself, but I told him that I have forgiven him and I thanked him for helping me do that. He is having a hard time realizing what he should have done when it was too late to do anything about it, but he is also in the best place spiritually than he has ever been.

Without going into more detail, the timing of this meeting was also impeccable. I have seen many tender mercies in this past month that have led me to where I am today. Finally free of anger and able to move forward in my life with complete peace.